Waiter, there’s a yak in my soup

My most favorite time of the day is after I’ve gotten home from work, when we’re halfway through eating supper, the meal has already been complimented, we’re sitting back down with second helpings, and the conversation begins.

“This pea and mint soup really gives your mouth a refreshing ‘zing,’ but I wouldn’t have thought it would be so red.”

Red? Are you kidding me? How did that happen? Do you think maybe the mint turned it red? Or maybe…hey, wait a minute. You’re just pulling my leg, right?

I’m red/green colorblind. The most-asked question I get is, “So, what color does my shirt look to you?” If it’s yellow or blue, I’m in good shape. Most other colors, it’s just a guess. If it’s purple, I die a flaming death on the color wheel. FYI: I only learned a couple of years ago that peanut butter was brown.

“You can’t be serious. You never knew it was brown? What color did you think it was?”

How should I know? I never thought about it. It was just peanut butter color. And don’t even think about asking me what color your shoes are.

And then for some reason, we started yakking about toilets. New toilets to replace the old ones. Toilets that flush with determination and purpose.

“I think maybe a pale blue one, not too tall of course, that is energy efficient and installed by a professional because you might think you’re Mr. Handyman of the Year after you installed that bathroom faucet, but I’ll have to sit on this thing and I’d rather be safe than sorry you ever discovered YouTube.”

YouTube is a marvelous invention. Want to learn how to decorate a three-layer chocolate cake with homemade roses on the side? There’s a channel for that. Interested in learning the best way to ride a motorcycle up an extremely steep hill without dying? There’s a channel for that, too. Want some advice on convincing your wife that putting in a new toilet is as easy as baking a lasagna on a Saturday night? Haven’t found that channel yet.

And then the conversation takes a left turn, and we’re talking about soap. Soap bars. Soap that used to be as square as the box it came in, but now is all curvy because “the shape makes it easier to hold,” so they say. It’s all about making a buck, I tell ya. Making a buck. Carving out a rounded section means there’s less soap in the box, but they charge you just the same. Or maybe even more.

“There’s so many ‘wrong’ things going on in this world right now, and you’re getting upset about curvy soap?”

I bet’cha if you looked hard enough on the internet, you could find some weirdo who has a vintage soap collection dating back 100 years and you could see for yourself that we’re being cheated out of our rightful share of soap just so some chief executive can pay to dock his 200-foot yacht in the Cayman Islands.

“Hey, buster. I have a soap collection from my high school trip through Europe. Are you calling me a weirdo?”

Yes, I remember those days when we’d get home from work, pop a couple of frozen pizzas in the oven, turn on the television and sit down to several hours of watching mindless episodes of our “favorite” shows without saying a word to each other. Now we just talk and enjoy each other’s company.

“I’m still waiting. Do you think I’m a weirdo?”

No dear, of course not. But listen to this: Did you hear about the turtle that slammed through a car windshield and hit a 71-year-old woman in the head? I’m so glad we don’t live in Florida, aren’t you?