Living with my head in the clouds

I’m going to tell you something that I would never admit to you face-to-face; something that kids dream of but old men dare not to. I want to be a movie star.

No, I’ve never acted in my life. I probably wouldn’t be able to remember the lines. I don’t doubt that every audition would end with someone suggesting that maybe I was better suited for driving a school bus. But none of that keeps me from dreaming about stardom. And I know exactly where it would all start:

I’d be in Walmart, picking through the avocados, squeezing them for firmness, rejecting the rockhard ones until I found several that were just ripe, when a famous producer, who just so happened to be traveling through town after visiting his terminally-ill grandmother and stops at the store to buy a bottle of Smartwater and a carton of Marlboro Lights, taps me on the shoulder and says, “The way you thoroughly pick through those avocados is amazing. Have you ever thought about being in the movies?”

Excuse me? Are you talking to me?

“I was just so totally enthralled with how you concentrated on each avocado, swiftly separating out the good ones, then juggling them before you put them in your cart. Truly amazing.”

This is a joke, right? You can’t be serious.

But for some reason, he is. He takes out his cellphone, films me with the avocados, and the rest is history. Naturally, I never become a leading man. I’m more the “extra juggling avocados in the background but slightly out of focus” type that directors use like the famous “Wilhelm scream.”

(The Wilhelm scream is a stock sound effect voiced by actor Sheb Wooley in 1951. It was first used in the film “Distant Drums” and has been used more than 400 times since then. You can hear it in such films as “Star Wars,” “Toy Story,” “Cars,” and “Game of Thrones” – just to name a few.)

I would absolutely NOT move to Hollywood. If directors wanted me bad enough to be in their films, they’d have to fly me out to location and have me back home by 6 p.m. so I could make dinner for my family. That’s non-negotiable. And I would never let “stardom” go to my head. I’d stay that happy-go-lucky guacamole fanatic that some people like, but only after they get to know me.

“Excuse me? You’re that avocado guy, aren’t you? I knew it! Can I take a selfie with you? I can? Awesome! And would you autograph this avocado for me? You are the best! Any idea when you’re going to get your own Netflix special? I’d watch it, for sure!”

Of course, after years of being typecasted as the “avocado man,” I’d probably want to stretch my wings and fly on to other parts – maybe the grumpy old produce manager that can’t stand the sight of brussels sprouts, or the grumpy old Walmart greeter that always says hello but his heart is not quite in it, or the grumpy old shopper who can never make up his mind to buy zucchini or yellow squash.

CASTING DIRECTOR: I’m sorry, but you just don’t fit the image we have of the grumpy old man. But we have seen your work, and we think you’d be perfect with avocados. What do you say?

It’s just a child’s dream anyway, being a movie star. The odds of making it are about as astronomical as being hit with lightning on a sunny day. Best to just face reality now and move on to something a little bit more achievable – a different dream I wouldn’t be able to tell you about face-to-face:

I want to be an astronaut!